When you know you’re in attendance because of duty rather than choice, you know something’s gone terribly wrong. When you see people’s MSN Display Names proclaiming an event was awesome when all you recall are the bad memories, you know it isn’t going the right way.
When people watch a show and see a fantastic performance, they don’t see what goes on behind the scenes, the fights and the disagreements, the extent of preparation and the resulting loss.
It all ended up with being there, not because I wanted to be there, but because it was an event held by an organization which we all supported. Not because it brought any special memories, but rather a duty which had to be settled. I held the right to entry and I gave it away, and I’m proud of myself that despite all those happy faces, I held out until the end of the play.
When I hear people restraining themselves from attendance because they found issues with the content covered or felt bad at its proceedings, or perhaps with all the preparation, the event had just lost its spark, I remember the times where we all fought. But for me, again, it held no meaning. I wasn’t there to attend, I was there out of duty and to recognise the effort others have put in and contribute my small part.
Never had the dark, silent night felt so captivating. The wind’s embrace so consoling. Because lest when those laugh at corny jokes, a moment yet to reflect how it could really have gotten to this state. You hear the laughter behind those closed doors, momentarily before the wind yet again roars, and it is this feeling which made the night fruitful.
I’m happy for those who enjoyed themselves. With the sheer number of smiling faces, this was certainly shown in great numbers. But as these people walked away, I wonder if they know the trouble that has been left behind. The issues and emotions which would never, in anytime near, die down. I won’t be a whining brat and hope that it all never happened. The smiles were worth it. The crew, cast and audience certainly enjoyed themselves. But in the end, past that night, what mess are we left with? What mess to clean up?
It was a night of excuses. I think I was invited in at least 5 times. The answer that I didn’t need to and that I enjoyed it outside sufficed. Some got the excuse that last year was a bad experience. But after that, it didn’t go any further. It couldn’t, it was all a lie.
Maybe it wasn’t last year. Maybe it was the events prior that provided the mindset that I would command restraint. Or perhaps it was an unknown factor just triggering the emotions or rather lack thereof.
But ultimately. As the doors opened and the people finished streaming out. I entered the venue with a lighter heart, proud of having missed every moment of it and while knowing at was over for now, the feeling would never go away.
I left bearing grudges but still satisfied, knowing I fulfilled my duty, my contribution and listed my acknowledgment for the effort everyone put in, but even then, even more joyous at not having missed a moment of missing the damn show.