Pathos Actions

Inspired by Jervan

We all know how one can be biased.
We all know how something can cause us to blow up.
We all know that we treat everyone differently.

And not all of this is because of ADD, ADHD or a medical disorder.
It’s the functions and workings of the heart.

You wonder why someone can be a bitch to you today and yet you let him go.
You wonder why even when you don’t know him, you feel as if you have a parental role.
You wonder why, even when you have the means to, you can’t bring yourself to get angry at that particular person.

I’ve learn through all the days, it doesn’t matter how another actually behaves, but rather his personality and my perception of him that shapes the way I deal with the situation and handle the matter. While upholding the basic expectations of a governed state, one cannot deny that one will charge everyone equally. Dictatorship might not exist, but even with leadership, people think differently of people.

I wonder why that when I’ve only heard of you from someone else, I already have an image of you formed in my mind.  There is justification in the claim that “You’re lucky that you have a good friend to stand up for you”. I’ve told that to three people, and because of the perception built in my mind from the praises of these individual’s friends, I have learnt to look differently, and I’ve been proved to that you can and should be treated unlike any other ordinary person.

For others it might be just a month with them, and yet some friendships are so strong and some hatred so deep. I’ve known some for longer, I know how they work. And yet, if just over noodles and a pot we can fight, until we start screaming at each other; I really wonder how you’re not going to piss me off for the next two years. If I can catch you seat-hopping during assembly and can’t mark your attendance and you’re not a bit remorseful; I wonder how I can trust you for the next two years. But there are the positives; if we can chat like long lost friends, about our lives and about our pasts, it doesn’t even feel as if its only been a month together.

People are built on impressions. Impressions are built on perception. Perception comes from the viewing of actions.

Care about the impression you make, because from it, a living hell or a petaled heaven can await.
A friend who believes is a friend who will take your name and run far, singing praises with it.
And friends can both be influential and influence influential people.

If my minion is reading this, you have 1 month minus 7 days until freedom.
And I’ll thank you for the lesson you gave me in how emotions are going to influence our perception.
Have fun with him (I trust only you will know who I’m referring to ;p)

A New Leaf

Secondary 3 is a whole new experience from the past 2 years.

Somehow or another, one can’t fathom the thought of actually getting to know new people, and that those you’re just got to know well are going to leave you.

At least there was something to help with the integration. The 5 Day adventure camp they call Outward Bound Singapore. 4 Nights on Ubin. Personally 8 hours of sleep. Kilometers of Hiking, Miles of rowing and hours spent together. The first person I met during OBS was Nick. At the Raja Foyer, the I/Cs were running around and the volunteer for our beloved 3C was Nick. This spirit and his ability eventually led to him also being elected our monitor. Before the boat ride, I also got to know the list of names that would be with me in my class and my watch, thanks to the attendance list. And the next person I met was Joshua. I still remember my first words to him: “Why so Emo?” Sitting alone in the containment room at Punggol was where I met another 5 people from my class.

OBS is an experience that cannot be replicated elsewhere. Being stuck on an island with no way out, basically forces you to be who you are. And as such, to see others for who they are. Be it Aidan shouting every morning and calling for role calls, Qi Wei collapsing and gasping after 5 minutes with a bag 1/5 the weight of mine. The best and worst of each person were really shown.

Personalities abound, OBS was a foreshadow of the year to come. When one shows indifference by running of without informing the watch in the night to another watch, it preempts the problem that would be caused during attendance takings, the ignorance one has to a certain task. The roughness of one making a mess out of mess tins, a mere speck in the spectrum of violence we will endure. And the judgments by some, no matter how true, a point for how 3C would really be.

Now obviously not everyone was together in OBS, we had some friends apart from us on our journeys and we eventually met on the first day of actual school. We learnt that they were all generally great people and we all bonded well in a sense. Pariahs remained pariahs and the tyranny of the majority was well formed in that every one had differences and those with numbers won.

It is a new year and friendships are starting to build, indifference starting to show, and for some, drifting away from the bonding of a class. It is but the beginning. And while I pledged to serve to lead, there are some, who on a plain black piece of paper, are making some dark lines.

We will see how the story goes, and how the leaf, now new, drifts down the river as it turned yellow.

Carrots and Rods

So SOMEONE(looks at YYH) thinks I’ve an adopted Son…

Well, then I know how hard it is to raise kids.

Because you can spare the rod and spoil the child but yet the proverb makes no reference on how parents can sometimes bear to use the rod at times.

Will a parent deny a child something that they want badly. Simply no. Because most parents can’t bear to see their children suffer (Why do you think babies cry for attention?)

And yet if this continues until it reaches a point where the line can no longer be drawn. Where rules basically count for nothing and control is basically lost. It is in this emotional realm, where the child is actually spoilt.

You can continue to give the kid all he wants, but continually you know that you’re spoiling him. Yet its that hard to say no. Because you never want to see anything but a smile on his face. He might do wrong but you will forgive him, because you will realize bearing a grudge against someone so special is impossible.

Sometimes you wish he will grow up, to show a little more maturity, throw lesser tantrums and well, perhaps stand up a little more for himself. To reduce his reliance on you and be a little more independent, and yet, it is but hope, a dream you know you probably wouldn’t see.

Feeling as if you’re exaggerating the situation. Yet knowing its best to plan for the worst because simply you can bear to see him suffer, and yet knowing very well that everytime you stand up for him, he becomes a little more reliant, a little less independent.

It’s hard when we aren’t perfect, and it’s hard to be someone you aren’t. Yet through this all, you know you would rather live this lie than to see him suffer. It’s gone too far, and I know it very well, and yet, I can’t bear to turn back now, because I’ve seen the hurt it can cause, and even if I can bring myself to turn away, it would be too late.

I decided on the carrot and spared the stick, for it wasn’t my kid but one I adopted (stares at YYH again) But it’s exactly because I adopted him based on circumstances that I couldn’t and wouldn’t use the stick. Would you take an individual out of suffering and throw him into yet another stage of suffering. He’ll hate me for that and I’ll hate myself. But it didn’t happen and I think it was for the best.

But ultimately, once you have the carrot, you won’t want the stick. And once the attachment becomes strong enough that the parent cannot bring himself to use the stick, that’s when the child is spoilt, and that’s the point of no return.

I wonder how our parents brought us up, but I kindda think it looked easier.

(Footy: I DID NOT adopt a son – sheesh, I’m too young to even legally get married! Terms are figurative and are up to your own interpretation)

The State of Kiasuism

What can you infer about the people in this scenario?

A plane landed at Tokyo Narita airport and stopped along an active taxiway waiting for a gate space to open as the previous flight has not left. Once the plane stopped, though with the runway in full view and full understanding that the plane had not stopped at the terminal, 75% of passengers in economy stood up to grab their carry-ons.

They were Singaporean

How about this scenario?

45 Minutes before boarding was even scheduled to begin, a long line of people started forming behind the area of boarding. When boarding was finally called, these people all rushed forward although the zone was for business class only passengers. They were turned away with economy boarding passes but more kept coming. Until the scene was so messy that boarding had to be halted and ultimately delayed for 40 minutes.

They were Singaporeans.

Ironically, those I noticed seated at the bleachers instead of in that long line I again noticed on the plane in the business class section. Even more ironic was that these individuals were mostly Caucasians. So the Singaporean’s queued and yet the Caucasians got in first. And the flight was delayed for 40 minutes.

It seems to be widespread, be it the taxi line in the airport or cashier lines in shopping centers. I noticed today at World of Sports a Singaporean family jumping the queue of a large visiting African congregation as they would “take too much time” apparently his justification was that “they were waiting and not queuing”. With hands full of shop products, I highly doubt so. The same family entered the store with dear Grandma proclaiming that (Translated from Chinese), Quickly go buy, It’s on sale, If not someone else will get it. Perhaps its an isolated case or maybe, although we wish to deny it, this island state is really becoming the State of Kiasuism.

Hong Kong shoppers give way. At Harbor City’s Uniqlo (or what’s it called) Great Annual Sale which they all made a big deal of, people queued orderly and made way for the elderly and disabled. There was a queue for trying, a queue for entry and a queue for the cashier, all orderly queues if I may add.

In Japan, queues for “on sale” New Year’s Cake can stretch out of the bakery and the store, amounting to once 75 people (I counted) Each would buy the maximum of 5 possible cakes and the queue would last the whole day and yet there were no chaos, just order. Disabled ladies were even encouraged by their fellow countrymen to step up to the front to make their purchase quickly. It wasn’t asked for, it was given.

So it’s now Christmas, perhaps it’s time to take a step back and not see(we have known it for ages) but acknowledge this mess we have created as a state. This culture and personality that has indeed become. Because if it is expressed, it has, for survival needs, to be followed. And it is but time before we all slip, as a state, into this dark hole of Kiasu-ism.

You’re not alone

Imagine a professional boxing match, and envision a small, limp challenger against one five times his size. One against Five, or in ratio, 1:5, 2:10 but let’s not get caught up in math here.

It was hard to find a place to respect leaders, especially when you see a majority go astray, when you see those of their type promise, but then disappear, grant but fade into the shadows. But I learnt that people are different.

In fact I always knew people were different, but perhaps it was because of the extent of what has happened that led to a generalization, one befitting of some, or perhaps one befitting of one, but undermining what the rest all are as people.

After today I realized that you’re but just a person, by the means you’re bullied or the extent of so, you’re still trying hard to put on a brave front, you’re still trying to pretend that it never happened. I know, because I’ve been there, and I’ve seen others in there, some make it out, some don’t. Some come out just to be wrenched back into the darkness and its all because this can be such an emotional matter.

You want to put it all behind you, never wanting to remember it again, never wanting to be reminded. Yet day after day after day it continues. You tried doing something about it, but all your efforts failed. You were left with your trump card, played it and failed. Sometimes life just does these things to you and you think why it’s so unfair. And because you have no options left, you can but live on and hope for the best, while knowing that not just the pain, but also the aggression, will never go away.

As Jun Yan put it, there’s the intention, the act and the consequence. It’s a valid theory by which to look at a situation, but you look at your own and can’t find any light in any of the psychological concepts. You’re still hurt inside, hoping that someone will understand, trying to play it down as a small matter because ultimately you don’t want to hurt your aggressor or worse still, let yourself appear a greater fool. And thus, you’ve held your silence, silently hoping that some day, he will understand and others will understand.

As I’m writing this I feel as though I’m writing a life story, be it my own, be it my friend’s, be it yours. Because we all live the same path, we all live in silence and we seek content in what we know that people can’t see. You would identify yourself with me, but I’ll identify you with someone else, and its because silence speaks greater than words, and I don’t have the patience to not air my views. You choose to play mediator and defendant, you seek compromise and resolution, your difference with me is that I fight for my rights and piss the world off in that retrospect. The difference, besides how we deal with our situations, would be that I stopped what was happening, you weren’t able to do so. That’s why I’m looking at you and I understand how you feel, because I was in your shoes once. It took a long and hard decision to just fight for the end and risk a 100% chance of making at least some people angry, it took a long time before I was driven, and it was by rage and not by choice.

But because I’ve been there before, I know how you feel, I sense your loneliness and I know, like all the people I’ve met that it’s there. The problem will always be on your mind, all the acts and words and hurt, you’ll try to forget it but you can’t and in the end, deep down inside you want to pour out everything, you just don’t dare to do it because you’re afraid, both for yourself and perhaps even for the other. If you really didn’t care about him, you wouldn’t have withheld your judgment, but to you, besides just being your aggressor, he’s still your companion, classmate and colleague. So you don’t want to share and prefer to suffer in silence.

You’re not alone.

You asked me why someone else didn’t speak up, why he didn’t do something about the situation he’s in, I’ll ask the same thing to you. You tried, you failed, are there really no other ways? And even if you would rather just accept the suffering, share it with others, because you’re really not just the only one in your situation. There are others out there just like you, some with situations far worse, and all they need if a helping hand, a shoulder for them to lay all their grievances, somewhere where they know they’re among friends.

It’s up to you what do decide to do, and as a junior I will respect your decision and support it as best I can. Although I’ll speak for those around me and ultimately at least myself, we respect you, and we can’t bear to see you suffer like this.

Stay strong and although you’re one level higher, seek respite in the song one level down, that there truly are Voices that Care.

On what Basis?

You know you did wrong, why do you cry foul?

It was of your own doing? Why are you angry at another party?

For your own crime? Does another really have to pay?

It’s obvious you’re angry, or at least everyone says so.
I don’t think adopting a tone as if you wanted to kill me would help.
In all probability, it all started with your own decision.

To broaden your “Social Circle” and to maintain good relationships with those already in, you decide to commit something unlawful, something that others got punished for, something you knew very well was wrong but in your folly, you committed it. It was reported, but it wasn’t a decision made by one person, it was a decision made by many.

If you really want to think about it, you can ask yourself why when you committed your act, people found it so objectionable. Because I’ll tell you that your offense has been committed by many. And I’ll tell you that why we found it objectional was because of all our prior impressions of you. Because you have drawn us a picture, it has already been shown to all of us as of how to deal with any situation arising. If you had remained on good terms with everyone, maybe, just maybe it wouldn’t have turned out like that. If you had been agreeable with the rest of us, perhaps we would have stood up for you. But ultimately, you weren’t, you aren’t.

So now, stop complaining, stop bitching around and perhaps just accept that it is not(is) meant to be.

A sense of belonging

When you know you’re in attendance because of duty rather than choice, you know something’s gone terribly wrong. When you see people’s MSN Display Names proclaiming an event was awesome when all you recall are the bad memories, you know it isn’t going the right way.

When people watch a show and see a fantastic performance, they don’t see what goes on behind the scenes, the fights and the disagreements, the extent of preparation and the resulting loss.

It all ended up with being there, not because I wanted to be there, but because it was an event held by an organization which we all supported. Not because it brought any special memories, but rather a duty which had to be settled. I held the right to entry and I gave it away, and I’m proud of myself that despite all those happy faces, I held out until the end of the play.

When I hear people restraining themselves from attendance because they found issues with the content covered or felt bad at its proceedings, or perhaps with all the preparation, the event had just lost its spark, I remember the times where we all fought. But for me, again, it held no meaning. I wasn’t there to attend, I was there out of duty and to recognise the effort others have put in and contribute my small part.

Never had the dark, silent night felt so captivating. The wind’s embrace so consoling. Because lest when those laugh at corny jokes, a moment yet to reflect how it could really have gotten to this state. You hear the laughter behind those closed doors, momentarily before the wind yet again roars, and it is this feeling which made the night fruitful.

I’m happy for those who enjoyed themselves. With the sheer number of smiling faces, this was certainly shown in great numbers. But as these people walked away, I wonder if they know the trouble that has been left behind. The issues and emotions which would never, in anytime near, die down. I won’t be a whining brat and hope that it all never happened. The smiles were worth it. The crew, cast and audience certainly enjoyed themselves. But in the end, past that night, what mess are we left with? What mess to clean up?

It was a night of excuses. I think I was invited in at least 5 times. The answer that I didn’t need to and that I enjoyed it outside sufficed. Some got the excuse that last year was a bad experience. But after that, it didn’t go any further. It couldn’t, it was all a lie.

Maybe it wasn’t last year. Maybe it was the events prior that provided the mindset that I would command restraint. Or perhaps it was an unknown factor just triggering the emotions or rather lack thereof.

But ultimately. As the doors opened and the people finished streaming out. I entered the venue with a lighter heart, proud of having missed every moment of it and while knowing at was over for now, the feeling would never go away.

I left bearing grudges but still satisfied, knowing I fulfilled my duty, my contribution and listed my acknowledgment for the effort everyone put in, but even then, even more joyous at not having missed a moment of missing the damn show.

Full of Reflections, Devoid of Joy

We can look back and sum up the whole year as being one just plain full of moments in which I could seek respite in the reflections of matters past, times where an empty window and a silent night can rob me of all happy emotions. Where the 7th floor of the school, home of 2 parties can cut a line through the middle of my heart and the people leave not one universal impression.

There are not just negatives but life has robbed me of my humor, robbed me of the smile and deemed me void of a joyous emotion. It has not all been a journey in the depths of life, but it does really seem that these moments judge your life and how you feel. For that occasional smile, either a facade or forced, took effort and it’s hard realizing that in just 2 months, this will all start again, albeit with a new batch of people. Just when you realized who your real friends are.

The experiences were but memories, but what made the mark were people. These people determined how the situation turned out to be, they paved the way for the experience and memories to be had and some of these people really deserve recognition for their efforts, for their realization and embrace of humanity and in them, proof, proof that while this world is screwed up, there are still people left we can trust, there are still people willing to labor for a better world.

Thank you to 2F’09, those of you who helped, not just DC but most other projects, those of you who were contributing, participating and trying your best. Or even those of you who sat in the background, helping from the shadows, it was really the bond that we shared as friends that helped me pull through those times where life was set on wrecking havoc. Thank you Duranka, Ben, Dyon, Yue Heng, Vincent, Zhi Hao, Lemuel, Daniel, Lionel, Chang Jie, Ming Jie, Hao Pu, Kai Cong, Yuan Ming, Teng Hao, Eugene Yong, Zong Bin and all the rest of you. Thank you for listening, thank you for always being there and thank you for being true friends.

Thank you to all the debaters, for being so accommodating and always providing a family. Providing a place where I know I’ll always be able to find support and encouragement. A place among people I can trust and who I can learn from. Thank you for the support, the guidance the lessons and the family. Thank you Anty, Jarret, Jun Yan, Jonathan Tan, Tien Pan, Teck Wei, Basil, Bum Soo, Ben Mak, and Adil.

Thank you to all the prefects, who were every ready to provide a helping hand, to support an unpopular decision or to just voice your opinions and concerns. Thank you for providing a community, where opinions can be heard and discussed, where I know there will always be others like me. Thank you Eugene Lim, Ben Wong, Joshua Ling, Arjun, Matthias, Jun Yan, Anty, Ern Xu, Shaun Yeo, Yi Zhuan, Zhi You, Sideeq, Fu Kai, Shi Jie, Sam Ching, Daniel Tan. Batch of ‘09, Pei Yuan, Jarret, Adil, Moses, Avinash, Kai Lun, Shaun Choo, Mike Lee. (Plus others)

Finally two very important people, Davin and Shaun Choo, for making sure that everyone in the Teachers’ Day org comm was well cared for, well provided for and to make sure that it was a great working environment were every one was happy and satisfied. And in the end, thank you for acknowledging us for all the effort and work we put in, no matter how little.

All these people reminded me that life was not just those times where only darkness reigns, but hidden within all the darkness and screwed up politics of life, there is that small bright spark, the meeting and bonds forged within people who care, people who understand. And while memories of those times where spats, fights, arguments and quarrels will frankly never go, these people have justified the fight and they have showed how every bit of tears and blood shed, every minute of emoness have not been spent in vain.

Thank you guys!

Stop, Rewind, Reflect

How would you feel if someone shoves their head in your way and orders you to stop doing whatever you did and that whatever you did, you better not do it again. How would you feel if you then ask for clarification and are shot down by a crude remark of ignorance. How would you feel if someone treated you like a criminal because you had to clean up his mess. How would you feel if you weren’t given the chance to speak, let alone explain. And ultimately, how would you feel if this person is someone whose status you ought to respect.

For it ran away from you and you lost it oh so fast.
In desperation how thou begs, fear failure come to past.
And for all good heart of others, your black beak will speak.
All you would care about is yourself, day, month, year, week.

You find it disagreeable, your mind your tattles weep.
Others you find terrible, freedom they so seek.
You roar, you rage, you ramble, but in all fail to see.
How by all this it started, by your own decree.

The victim, young, gullible and weak.
Looking up at big brother, like an aweing geek.
To be all but oppressed, by his subsequent deed.
Which mind does the logic really read.

Eager to please and make merry,
To solve the task complete.
Personal sacrifices notwithstanding,
Never a never meet.

But for all that sweat and tiring,
What profit do you see?
A respectable figure coming down, hard on thee.
Ask thy may, how can this be.

For only dreams are fair but life reality.

After all this, you can look back and ask yourself, you tried to help, it came to you at a cost, perhaps wrong in execution, but what ultimately is the cost? The fact that help was needed, already would have shown. The problem that you faced, too much for your own. So you request for help and get it, but in return, the other party but gets insensitivity and ridicule, ignorance and disagreement from you.

Ask yourself, where did the problem stem from in the first place. And after that, take a long hard look on how you’re actually treating the helpers, those who willingly gave up time and effort to clean up your mess and get you out of your pile of manure.

It really doesn’t matter if Yusof’s head appears thrice or once, nor would it if his face looks red, purple or blue. You can try to be nicer, more politically correct and understand that it’s for you these people are working. Or the next time, you’ll just have your big pile of manure thrown right back at you.

Torn Apart

I promised myself I would write something here after the EOY’s but somehow I just can’t put what I’m feeling into words. I’m not going to rant about how useless the math or science papers were nor how screwed the history essay was for there’s just so much else going through my mind. I spent my last week, a grand total of 20 hours, emoing out of the house, trying to find what’s really affecting me so much and I still haven’t come to the answer, actually, I did, the answer was that there would never be an answer.

Every students second home would affect him as much as his own personal life. Spending more than 3/4 of your awake time in your alma mater doesn’t really aid in lowering the effect it has on you. And for all the things that have happened, who are we to decide what would be the outcome. I’ve never felt this way yet, emo spells usually last at most a day but this one has felt as if it has last forever, and it’s not because of the EOYs.

Thank the English department and my blindness. Having MOVDC so close to EOYs didn’t help, but neither were the politics we had to settle out through the whole process. We might have emerged champions, but deep down inside, the pain, the hurt and the rage does all but shows.

I thought you were a responsible person, someone who had great insight, commitment and motivation. Someone who I can trust, and someone who I can depend on. And if you want to know the truth, you probably gave me a larger headache than those of them who didn’t do a single thing. Calling me a bitch doesn’t help, proclaiming that you can’t wait until the 6th of November to shout f*** in my face because I won’t be able to do anything then and then oppressing your friends for your own benefit, well, I guess all I have to blame is myself. My blindness, my stupidity, and my trust in your superficiality. You won’t be affected, this to you is but another rant. You can pick and dump friends from your social circle as you please and still live on as nothing happened. And maybe, just maybe, it doesn’t work that way. When people have the upper hand, you call, you beg, you bitch. When you have the upper hand, you either oppress or take advantage of the other party. I trusted you, and I trusted you with your promise to grant me one thing, to lay off someone you were affecting so badly. You didn’t. Ben trusted you. If you did remember, the starting stages was when you made 2 promises to him, don’t bother if you can’t remember them, you probably wouldn’t. You can ask yourself if you have really carried those out. Or if my trust in your dependency and your motivation were founded on just an individual stand. You have alot of motivation, motivation for something to be carried out the way you want it. Do yourself a favor, life isn’t just about the social circle, leaking questions to just gain the favor of others, giving a few too scared to stand up a living hell for your heaven. Ask yourself, what morals do you live by and what do you want to become.

That’s not it. I’m not feeling any better and this probably was the cause of it all. Some problems can be solved with understanding the situation, some by reflecting on what could have gone better and some, by forgiving. It doesn’t work here unfortunately, whenever I think about something even miles away from this, I can feel the hurt and grief of another person, and I can feel my heart getting torn apart from hate all over again.

For every oprressor, there’s always a victim. Or in this case many victims. And it boiled down to the trust  I placed in an individual. The misjudgment of an individual and ultimately, the suffering of another. And since I probably was the one who got you into all this. I can’t apologize enough. You suffered both under him and under me, you were too afraid to stand up for yourself and someone should have protected you. But we were all too blinded by the superficiality of the situation, the influence of him on all of us and we all fell for the trap. Or at least I did. I thought you would be able to learn something from the expected process, I saw the potential in you and despite all your grievances, I put you in. I never expected the lengths at which this would go, neither did any of the rest. Those actions at that time felt so superficial, so expected and so normal, only the severity of the whole thing being revealed so much later. I’m sorry I put you through it and I’m sorry I contributed to the pain. But while perhaps this whole problem was unfounded, I hope you were still able to see yourself differently, and probably through all the problems, learnt how to make the right decisions in the future. I’ve seen you from a childish immature brat to someone who has probably gone through more emotional conflicts in the last 2 months than others would in a lifetime. In you I’ve seen commitment and motivation, and in you I’ve received both attributes. It may well be good to learn from teachings but you have really taught me how this world actually works and not everything is perfect all the time. Thank you.

I know we must learn to forgive and forget. But if life is linked back to this in your mind most of the time, someone can drop me a hint on how I’m going to forget this. Because I’ve forgiven and I’ve hoped that I’ve been forgiven. But I’m very sure I won’t be able to forget.

I want to be patched up and glued back together, to forget all the bad times that went by while keeping the good thoughts.

I want to keep the happy memories and I want the old me back.