When you know you’re in attendance because of duty rather than choice, you know something’s gone terribly wrong. When you see people’s MSN Display Names proclaiming an event was awesome when all you recall are the bad memories, you know it isn’t going the right way.

When people watch a show and see a fantastic performance, they don’t see what goes on behind the scenes, the fights and the disagreements, the extent of preparation and the resulting loss.

It all ended up with being there, not because I wanted to be there, but because it was an event held by an organization which we all supported. Not because it brought any special memories, but rather a duty which had to be settled. I held the right to entry and I gave it away, and I’m proud of myself that despite all those happy faces, I held out until the end of the play.

When I hear people restraining themselves from attendance because they found issues with the content covered or felt bad at its proceedings, or perhaps with all the preparation, the event had just lost its spark, I remember the times where we all fought. But for me, again, it held no meaning. I wasn’t there to attend, I was there out of duty and to recognise the effort others have put in and contribute my small part.

Never had the dark, silent night felt so captivating. The wind’s embrace so consoling. Because lest when those laugh at corny jokes, a moment yet to reflect how it could really have gotten to this state. You hear the laughter behind those closed doors, momentarily before the wind yet again roars, and it is this feeling which made the night fruitful.

I’m happy for those who enjoyed themselves. With the sheer number of smiling faces, this was certainly shown in great numbers. But as these people walked away, I wonder if they know the trouble that has been left behind. The issues and emotions which would never, in anytime near, die down. I won’t be a whining brat and hope that it all never happened. The smiles were worth it. The crew, cast and audience certainly enjoyed themselves. But in the end, past that night, what mess are we left with? What mess to clean up?

It was a night of excuses. I think I was invited in at least 5 times. The answer that I didn’t need to and that I enjoyed it outside sufficed. Some got the excuse that last year was a bad experience. But after that, it didn’t go any further. It couldn’t, it was all a lie.

Maybe it wasn’t last year. Maybe it was the events prior that provided the mindset that I would command restraint. Or perhaps it was an unknown factor just triggering the emotions or rather lack thereof.

But ultimately. As the doors opened and the people finished streaming out. I entered the venue with a lighter heart, proud of having missed every moment of it and while knowing at was over for now, the feeling would never go away.

I left bearing grudges but still satisfied, knowing I fulfilled my duty, my contribution and listed my acknowledgment for the effort everyone put in, but even then, even more joyous at not having missed a moment of missing the damn show.

We can look back and sum up the whole year as being one just plain full of moments in which I could seek respite in the reflections of matters past, times where an empty window and a silent night can rob me of all happy emotions. Where the 7th floor of the school, home of 2 parties can cut a line through the middle of my heart and the people leave not one universal impression.

There are not just negatives but life has robbed me of my humor, robbed me of the smile and deemed me void of a joyous emotion. It has not all been a journey in the depths of life, but it does really seem that these moments judge your life and how you feel. For that occasional smile, either a facade or forced, took effort and it’s hard realizing that in just 2 months, this will all start again, albeit with a new batch of people. Just when you realized who your real friends are.

The experiences were but memories, but what made the mark were people. These people determined how the situation turned out to be, they paved the way for the experience and memories to be had and some of these people really deserve recognition for their efforts, for their realization and embrace of humanity and in them, proof, proof that while this world is screwed up, there are still people left we can trust, there are still people willing to labor for a better world.

Thank you to 2F’09, those of you who helped, not just DC but most other projects, those of you who were contributing, participating and trying your best. Or even those of you who sat in the background, helping from the shadows, it was really the bond that we shared as friends that helped me pull through those times where life was set on wrecking havoc. Thank you Duranka, Ben, Dyon, Yue Heng, Vincent, Zhi Hao, Lemuel, Daniel, Lionel, Chang Jie, Ming Jie, Hao Pu, Kai Cong, Yuan Ming, Teng Hao, Eugene Yong, Zong Bin and all the rest of you. Thank you for listening, thank you for always being there and thank you for being true friends.

Thank you to all the debaters, for being so accommodating and always providing a family. Providing a place where I know I’ll always be able to find support and encouragement. A place among people I can trust and who I can learn from. Thank you for the support, the guidance the lessons and the family. Thank you Anty, Jarret, Jun Yan, Jonathan Tan, Tien Pan, Teck Wei, Basil, Bum Soo, Ben Mak, and Adil.

Thank you to all the prefects, who were every ready to provide a helping hand, to support an unpopular decision or to just voice your opinions and concerns. Thank you for providing a community, where opinions can be heard and discussed, where I know there will always be others like me. Thank you Eugene Lim, Ben Wong, Joshua Ling, Arjun, Matthias, Jun Yan, Anty, Ern Xu, Shaun Yeo, Yi Zhuan, Zhi You, Sideeq, Fu Kai, Shi Jie, Sam Ching, Daniel Tan. Batch of ‘09, Pei Yuan, Jarret, Adil, Moses, Avinash, Kai Lun, Shaun Choo, Mike Lee. (Plus others)

Finally two very important people, Davin and Shaun Choo, for making sure that everyone in the Teachers’ Day org comm was well cared for, well provided for and to make sure that it was a great working environment were every one was happy and satisfied. And in the end, thank you for acknowledging us for all the effort and work we put in, no matter how little.

All these people reminded me that life was not just those times where only darkness reigns, but hidden within all the darkness and screwed up politics of life, there is that small bright spark, the meeting and bonds forged within people who care, people who understand. And while memories of those times where spats, fights, arguments and quarrels will frankly never go, these people have justified the fight and they have showed how every bit of tears and blood shed, every minute of emoness have not been spent in vain.

Thank you guys!

How would you feel if someone shoves their head in your way and orders you to stop doing whatever you did and that whatever you did, you better not do it again. How would you feel if you then ask for clarification and are shot down by a crude remark of ignorance. How would you feel if someone treated you like a criminal because you had to clean up his mess. How would you feel if you weren’t given the chance to speak, let alone explain. And ultimately, how would you feel if this person is someone whose status you ought to respect.

For it ran away from you and you lost it oh so fast.
In desperation how thou begs, fear failure come to past.
And for all good heart of others, your black beak will speak.
All you would care about is yourself, day, month, year, week.

You find it disagreeable, your mind your tattles weep.
Others you find terrible, freedom they so seek.
You roar, you rage, you ramble, but in all fail to see.
How by all this it started, by your own decree.

The victim, young, gullible and weak.
Looking up at big brother, like an aweing geek.
To be all but oppressed, by his subsequent deed.
Which mind does the logic really read.

Eager to please and make merry,
To solve the task complete.
Personal sacrifices notwithstanding,
Never a never meet.

But for all that sweat and tiring,
What profit do you see?
A respectable figure coming down, hard on thee.
Ask thy may, how can this be.

For only dreams are fair but life reality.

After all this, you can look back and ask yourself, you tried to help, it came to you at a cost, perhaps wrong in execution, but what ultimately is the cost? The fact that help was needed, already would have shown. The problem that you faced, too much for your own. So you request for help and get it, but in return, the other party but gets insensitivity and ridicule, ignorance and disagreement from you.

Ask yourself, where did the problem stem from in the first place. And after that, take a long hard look on how you’re actually treating the helpers, those who willingly gave up time and effort to clean up your mess and get you out of your pile of manure.

It really doesn’t matter if Yusof’s head appears thrice or once, nor would it if his face looks red, purple or blue. You can try to be nicer, more politically correct and understand that it’s for you these people are working. Or the next time, you’ll just have your big pile of manure thrown right back at you.

I promised myself I would write something here after the EOY’s but somehow I just can’t put what I’m feeling into words. I’m not going to rant about how useless the math or science papers were nor how screwed the history essay was for there’s just so much else going through my mind. I spent my last week, a grand total of 20 hours, emoing out of the house, trying to find what’s really affecting me so much and I still haven’t come to the answer, actually, I did, the answer was that there would never be an answer.

Every students second home would affect him as much as his own personal life. Spending more than 3/4 of your awake time in your alma mater doesn’t really aid in lowering the effect it has on you. And for all the things that have happened, who are we to decide what would be the outcome. I’ve never felt this way yet, emo spells usually last at most a day but this one has felt as if it has last forever, and it’s not because of the EOYs.

Thank the English department and my blindness. Having MOVDC so close to EOYs didn’t help, but neither were the politics we had to settle out through the whole process. We might have emerged champions, but deep down inside, the pain, the hurt and the rage does all but shows.

I thought you were a responsible person, someone who had great insight, commitment and motivation. Someone who I can trust, and someone who I can depend on. And if you want to know the truth, you probably gave me a larger headache than those of them who didn’t do a single thing. Calling me a bitch doesn’t help, proclaiming that you can’t wait until the 6th of November to shout f*** in my face because I won’t be able to do anything then and then oppressing your friends for your own benefit, well, I guess all I have to blame is myself. My blindness, my stupidity, and my trust in your superficiality. You won’t be affected, this to you is but another rant. You can pick and dump friends from your social circle as you please and still live on as nothing happened. And maybe, just maybe, it doesn’t work that way. When people have the upper hand, you call, you beg, you bitch. When you have the upper hand, you either oppress or take advantage of the other party. I trusted you, and I trusted you with your promise to grant me one thing, to lay off someone you were affecting so badly. You didn’t. Ben trusted you. If you did remember, the starting stages was when you made 2 promises to him, don’t bother if you can’t remember them, you probably wouldn’t. You can ask yourself if you have really carried those out. Or if my trust in your dependency and your motivation were founded on just an individual stand. You have alot of motivation, motivation for something to be carried out the way you want it. Do yourself a favor, life isn’t just about the social circle, leaking questions to just gain the favor of others, giving a few too scared to stand up a living hell for your heaven. Ask yourself, what morals do you live by and what do you want to become.

That’s not it. I’m not feeling any better and this probably was the cause of it all. Some problems can be solved with understanding the situation, some by reflecting on what could have gone better and some, by forgiving. It doesn’t work here unfortunately, whenever I think about something even miles away from this, I can feel the hurt and grief of another person, and I can feel my heart getting torn apart from hate all over again.

For every oprressor, there’s always a victim. Or in this case many victims. And it boiled down to the trust  I placed in an individual. The misjudgment of an individual and ultimately, the suffering of another. And since I probably was the one who got you into all this. I can’t apologize enough. You suffered both under him and under me, you were too afraid to stand up for yourself and someone should have protected you. But we were all too blinded by the superficiality of the situation, the influence of him on all of us and we all fell for the trap. Or at least I did. I thought you would be able to learn something from the expected process, I saw the potential in you and despite all your grievances, I put you in. I never expected the lengths at which this would go, neither did any of the rest. Those actions at that time felt so superficial, so expected and so normal, only the severity of the whole thing being revealed so much later. I’m sorry I put you through it and I’m sorry I contributed to the pain. But while perhaps this whole problem was unfounded, I hope you were still able to see yourself differently, and probably through all the problems, learnt how to make the right decisions in the future. I’ve seen you from a childish immature brat to someone who has probably gone through more emotional conflicts in the last 2 months than others would in a lifetime. In you I’ve seen commitment and motivation, and in you I’ve received both attributes. It may well be good to learn from teachings but you have really taught me how this world actually works and not everything is perfect all the time. Thank you.

I know we must learn to forgive and forget. But if life is linked back to this in your mind most of the time, someone can drop me a hint on how I’m going to forget this. Because I’ve forgiven and I’ve hoped that I’ve been forgiven. But I’m very sure I won’t be able to forget.

I want to be patched up and glued back together, to forget all the bad times that went by while keeping the good thoughts.

I want to keep the happy memories and I want the old me back.

Laugh, Choke, ROFL, LOL, OMG, WTH or any other way you want to put it.

Other people’s reflections are seriously hilarious to read, let alone guess at the meaning.

Examples:

Contrary to myself, I think that someone else is facing the opposite problem of me. He does not trust many departments and decides to take things into his own hands. This person is the director, Tommy. I feel that Tommy is a very talented director and will go far when he is in charge. However, I feel that he should have more trust in other people. On one instance, he did the script for the cast when the scripting department was in charge. I feel that he should give everybody a chance to show their talent and potential instead of doing everything for them. This will not benefit them as they will not have gained any experience from DC.

Not that funny, until considering the fact that I trust this guy a freaking lot more for who he is as a person rather than what he shows in his work. Plus, he’s probably been forced into a higher position with me pulling strings at my EXCO.

Despite my role …… will still be open to positive feedback directed towards my own acting and from there improve on it.
and contrast it to
Another type was the “mean” person. An example would be ……. At first, he took the role of Shylock according to his preferred role. However, when news broke to him that there might be a possibility of …..replacing him and his ……. position to be stripped off him, he started bad mouthing the cast behind their backs.

It’s funny how these people just end up contradicting themselves in what they write.

I’ll hold my own positions but I won’t really go to the extent of airing them and being flamed for degaratory.

In the end, it really shows who a person really is, whether his actions and what he pens down as a reflection of his own actions really represent what he does in real life or if it is just a facade, a facade of a request for a better role and position through the favor reigning of individuals above. I pull strings below, to call them my minions perhaps extreme, to help others while request those above the help those really in need. And all you do is to get out of your seat and not just pull strings down but rather pull heaven and all that’s there down in an attempt to get there.

There’s a fine line between assistance and sucking up, you can decide which side of the equation you would want to be on.

Take your stand, you can forgo your image and forget about retaining anything in your pursuit of your belief or uphold an image which really represents you and what you believe in. Either side is not less favorable than the other, just don’t live in the middle of everything and upset the status quo.

There was a time, then it all went wrong.

Standing Still in darkness and silence, Remembering those times that would never be.

You are who you think you are, be it a beacon, a light or a coffin.
Not only determining your character but what others think of you.
You wish to object to a decision made because you think you’re better.
But when did life ever tell you that it was going to treat you fairly.

You decide to object to others for your own personal good and benefit.
How befitting of the representation of Shylock and this stubbornness.
You believe in the dream of your ideal world and the perfect life.
While in so doing cause so much harm and sadness.

I did believe that you were capable, so did many others.
And I learnt that character determines the ability and work.
Be it talent but without the goodness of heart and commission.
I glance at the tunnels end, wait and know it will never come.

You think you’re the best in what you believe you are.
Up to the point where the want for success supersedes others.
And be it for the distance we so journeyed, learnt what thee.
For in which perfection is believed to be achieved, improvement does not exist.

I would not for your friend who so believes in you to respectfully request your withdrawal from what you believe you can do better than all the rest. I do not think the grade matters, you can come out of the MOV Challenge with a grade nonwithstanding what you have done and your journey so spent just pushing everyone else down for the belief you have in yourself. You want your position and suck up to the teacher for it, you can very well be my guest, for all others can see is childishness. All you have are words and self-praises to affirm your own abilities; have you ever spared a thought for others?

For change we so seek, in sooth we shall not get.

And still I dreamed, A Dream that would never be.

When Justice knocks on your door, don’t you wish you can turn him away?
Shall I be a aboriginal and defy the social norms, my prime minister publicly disowning my race.
Or be an aristocrat who pleases everyone with logic or whatnot
Or be an acronym, just an impression of what others think with no impression of my own.

I will look at the position, draw my box and set my boundaries. I’ll be neither but I’ll be all and through this, people who die will die, people courting death will die, people being irritants will die and people trying and pleasing my eyes will survive and prosper. Favoritism, Yes. Biasness, Yes. Fairness? No. Reality? Yes. As Superman would put it: “My Game, My Rules” You don’t want to play, you make sure you don’t involve yourself at all, you want to be a busybody, your choice, your downfall, your fault.

There are individuals who work, there are individuals who try, there are individuals who slack, there are individuals who can’t be bothered and there are individuals who are a load of hot air, nothing else. You have your grievances, I have mine. You air them out and expect a response, I’ll keep them in and quietly see you suffer. Grievances all the same, just different approaches and different outcomes. You can make a great outcry over it and in the end receive nothing and from them impress upon other what you really are. You have brought me through a movie beginning with uncertainty, climaxing with the contrary, concluding with the sincere you and twisting with the real you. And the last thing this world needs is a person, superficial to that extent, whose character in such doubt that even responsibility over actions cannot be partaken of. You think you’re anonymous, on the contrary, you’re known and your attitude towards these matters is shocking to the point where individuals begin to doubt your ability. Not me, some people.

We all believe you’re too full of self-belief to the point where no advise will suffice and be heard, no suggestion heeded and in your current position, people are disgruntled. As would to me, people who don’t like your views are complaining and I’ll ask you what you’re going to do about it. I respect your position enough not to handle this problem as crudely as I can but with that respect comes responsibility, something you have to show you’re capable of holding.

Yue Heng asked me who a character in the main cast was, I replied that it was you, although its tentative because there is increasing doubt not over your ability. His reply was if I doubt your ability, I might as well doubt everyone elses including dumping individuals like Ben into Sub Cast and such. Let me qualify myself, I don’t think acting is a skill, its a mindset and an attitude that one has to take on to ensure the act is successful and why I doubt your ability is because I doubt your fundamental attitude towards this whole thing. Some individuals have shown me what their attitude is to things and on that I base my judgments, be it good or bad, I don’t find justification in thin air.

I’m no professional actor or whatsoever, neither do I believe in my ability to act better than others. I believe that every single individual in our class, in our batch, in our school and in this world can be a better actor. It’s just with the attitude they approach the matter. If one goes I know I’m better and probably the best, that person’s not going to get anywhere because he will not be open to mentorship and instruction. I have skill set A, I can implant it onto another and he can add on for it to be A+. With you, we start with skill set Y and no matter after how much instruction, it will still be Y.

I’m not Chief of Justice, I’m in no position to Judge. But I’ll bring the case before the court and let the Jury deliver the verdict already pre-decided before the defense even opened their case.

So when grey areas grey and lines are blurred, what now determines a position one assumes to be right. What now lie as the basis of judgment for promises once made since the times and situation have now evolved? What rights do one hold over his previous words and what impressions do these cast onto others.

I drew my line with a marker on a paper filled with prior ink lines, where boundaries were blurred, sides unknown and positions unchallenged. And till I realized it has really gotten out of hand, will I then redraw my line somewhere else. For those who I’ve left, you know who you are, I will justify my position that you guys were too heavily reliant on one person, a person who is already an extra and unofficial helper, one helping from goodwill and that I saw that you guys as a seperate disjunct entity had no direction without me. And as I would re-iterate my stand again on if you guys want it, I’ll help, but if you guys just want me to do it for you, while you sit back and do nothing, that’s not the right cause. If you want a simple analogy, Ben wants help for his OC script, I won’t write the whole script for him, I’ll see what he has done and point out where he can improve. For one to start, one has to know where he is going and without this direction and with me deciding the route and fuelling the car, the buck had to stop somewhere.

If you guys felt betrayed, I’m sorry, I really am. But I’m in no position to finish doing something for you guys especially if you guys are unwilling to put in the effort, you don’t understand this, ask Tommy, problems with that, find Tommy and if anything goes wrong, blame Tommy. And No Thank You, I don’t need that kind of life. You need my help, fine, you drive and I’ll give you directions, you ensure there is fuel in your car, that the engines working and that the passengers are provided for, I’m like a GPS unit, I guide you on where to go and I’m fine with that. But conversely, if you want me to be in the car, one hand on the wheel, guiding the direction, another on the mobile phone to update you and my toes on the millions of other things I need to do, you’re not being fair to yourself, much less to me who’s helping you at no cost.

So I shall never let a project I work on fail and you bear me to trail on my words and I raise the defense by first telling you I had no part in this at all. I helped you as a air traffic controller, giving you direction, information, your flight plan. And then I find myself being carried along the path where I now need to Fly the Plane myself, much lest even be on the flight. This project was mine and I’ll see that it doesn’t fail but when you guys totally have no motivation without me on working on it, I’ll draw the line for your commitments sake and I’ll pass the ownership of this project to you. You have to understand it’s not officially mine, when Henry Ford invented the automobile, he took charge over what Ford produced and had no involvment in what Chrystler did, I can play a part but priorities have to be set straight and motivations clearly defined. If you want me just so you can do lesser work, then I’m going to have a different perspective of supporting this cause.

While the World evolves rapidly and changes are so made, where the defining lines are blurred and boundaries crossed. What will it take and in what situation just, for one to say: “This is the line, The Buck stops here”

I believed, I saw, I dreamt.
I visioned, I hoped, I reached.
I pondered, I reflected, I cried.

We live in an ideal never to be, no matter how contradictory that is, its true if you look carefully at the implied meaning of the phrase.

We live in the present, ruled by our belief of something better to be, guided by the morals of our perceived reality. But in this world, all we will meet with is darkness, the light, a dream, reality, a nightmare. We dream of the perfect reality, We live reality as a nightmare. No matter how bright things look, there’s always a darker side. When things look dark, the light is ever so hard to find, when things look bright, darkness is always just a step behind.

Will we never be allowed to live our dreams? How far will we be tested in reality? We all want a certain something in life, we want to see something happen and in all of this, individuals, separate with different ideals, disjointed and as separate entities, is it so hard to achieve that one goal, our goal of a better future, a brighter path ahead?

Some individuals don’t see things the way you do. They go out of their way to make things hard for you and be a huge pain in the ass. If you’ve done wrong, admit it, accept the consequences and move on. Is it that hard to ask of you just to abide by a few simple moral principles which form the school rules? It is easy for you to say that you’re dissatisfied with something, that something pissed you off. But who am I to bear the burden of your worries? Who am I to stem the bleeding of your wounds. I can help but I’ve got so much time in a day. How many people am I supposed to explain the Iambic Pentameter to? How many people who don’t understand what MOV is about and need extra explaination? To the extreme, How many of you guys need me to type out your whole OC script?

To those of you who try, thank you. You put meaning into your own work and if you still don’t get it, no one, not just me, would mind explaining it to you. If you respect the task enough to put effort into doing it before asking for help, it shows at least the bother you would put towards your work. For those of you who don’t even understand what bottled mineral water is, what can I say? The English teacher doesn’t want you to fail does she? But then I’ll question your willingness not to fail. What effort are you even willing to put in? If you don’t understand, can’t you ask? What has that mouth bestowed on you do? Complain? Beg for Help? Can it not assist you in constructive learning instead of relying on others to mouth-feed you. You may very well be 14, but you exercise the maturity of a 2 year old kid.

There are also those who just don’t care. No, the report, a miserable 500 words I requested you write did not reach my inbox. Don’t “No Shit” me, you know very well if you’ve done it and I’ll bet the answer is no. You lie and on such a miserly matter too. Are you not competent to write me 500 words? Or perhaps to you is how much smaller a burden it is to just throw on me as with my 8000 words I’m already writing. Better yet, those of you who totally don’t give a damn. You say yes and ok so many times that I’ve lost count, and I haven’t seen anything.

And for those of you who try to be a busybody and proclaim all your random nonsense to me. I don’t care how brilliant whatever TAK you’re done is. You can go proclaim it somewhere else. I don’t need to know and I don’t want to know. I’m tied up, bound and gagged by the very basics of my commitments, people like you who pretend to understand but don’t aren’t making things any better. Trust me, I’m probably getting more pissed with you than I am with those who don’t give a damn. In front of the teacher you’re all smiles, oh yes, sure, no problem. And after she leaves? Oh, I think I can’t make it after all. I’ve got whatever cocked up admin to do. You know what? You’re a load of hot air, your superficial image is very nice and pretty in front of teachers and after that, we see the real you. You need to handle admin, you tell the teacher, don’t say yes then come tell me after that I, yes I, busy I, need to find a replacement for you because you have some effed up admin to do. Just eff off dude, please.

This post has no direction. I’m randomly posting stuff that comes to my mind before mugging my DI report. The people in the whole post are: Darren Foo, Boh Ze Kai, Isaac Tan, Duranka, Chan Zheng Kai, Ben Chew, Chang Jie, Zhi Hao, Yue Heng. If you really want to know where you are, go figure, and stop trying to give petty excuses for your actions, its quite obvious. I’m not an idiot, stop kidding yourself. You have now bore the wrath of me before I start my report. You better start praying now that I’ll be in a better mood when you actually see me in person or the complaint Chiraag Nanik Thadani made during today’s PA would be a gross understatement.